Christina Suplee

First day of school.

Oh boy, how many emotions do I have when I think of the fact that you are here. You are here, and I love and hate you all at the same time. You are taking away my first born, my kid who is most like me, my side kick, my rule follower, my sweet boy; for that, I hate you. And yet you are going to grow him, and push him, and nurture him, and expand him, and teach him, and mold him, and shape him in ways that I never could; for that I love you and will be eternally grateful.

And yet I pictured this day being very different. Up until several months ago my plan was to homeschool my boys. But God had other plans, and so now here I am, sending my oldest off to a brand new school in a way I never thought I would.

Let me back up though. I had NEVER been on the homeschooling train. I remember when Tyler and I were doing premarital counseling, and we talked about our hypothetical children. We both said “public school” at the same time, and that was that.

And then I met my kids. Their brains are amazing. And I met amazing families who homeschooled. And I learned about different ways to do school, and I was intrigued. Then being intrigued grew to starting to try out activities and incorporating principles into my parenting. And that grew to amazing moments with my kids, and I wanted more. That lead to reading and researching and interviewing and listening to podcasts, and before I knew it I wasn’t only riding the homeschool train, I was inviting and encouraging others to join me.

I had my list for why I thought homeschool, specifically through Charlotte Mason, philosophies would be the best way.

1. I loved the focus of being outside in Charlotte Mason; we were created in a garden. And yet in public school they spend all day inside except for recess.
2. I loved the principle that children are born people; too often kids get dismissed as unimportant, that their thoughts and opinions and emotions don’t matter.
3. I loved the unschooling approach; that at all times we could follow what they were interested in and wanted to learn and do a deep dive into that, because isn’t that what adults want to do when they become interested in something?
4. I loved the freedom it gave us to take vacations, and go to the park, and hang out with friends all during the day. And that we weren’t restricted to a school schedule.
5. I loved that we could do school for a couple hours a day, giving our best effort and full attention, and then just do life.
6. I had a curriculum planned out more or less from kinder to 2^nd grade that I loved and was so excited about doing with them for math, reading, and writing.
7. I was so excited about teaching them what I thought was the most important: how do we love God? How do we love others? How do you become a man of integrity? The Bible, different worldviews and why ours is the one we choose, and music.
8. I had a list of homeschool events at tons of nature centers from our adventure Mondays.
9. Adventure Mondays would continue; I dreamed of 18 years of adventure Mondays. How that would grow them as humans, as men, as adventurers, and bonding to each other, me, and to nature.
10. Homeschooling meant spending less time on school work, which freed up the rest of the day for practicing sports, music, and any other interests they developed along the way.
11. I could prioritize when they learned something. They want to learn geometry in 4^th grade; let’s do it. They don’t understand history, because they’ve never traveled outside the US; let’s travel, and then do some history along the way. I was excited about teaching history through God’s eyes as history connects to the Bible.
12. I was excited about the resources and co ops and friendships and families that are connected at a deeper level than public school families. Homeschooling takes a specific kind of intentionality and sacrifice, and doing life with people who are also making those choices is immediately bonding.
13. I was excited about the living books that Charlotte Mason focuses on instead of text books.
14. I couldn’t wait to weave into their “school” real life lessons. How do we change a tire? How do we do basic household things that could save you tons of money in the future? I dreamed of them doing “internships” and shadowing people in tons of different work fields to learn a little bit about a lot. I wanted them to know the ins and outs of insurance, and retirement, and buying a home, and all of things adults should know.

I mean, the list went on and on. I was sure this was what was best. Tyler was on board, and we both had the exact same “homeschool teaching preferences.”

And then one day as I was driving, I asked God, “so what are your thoughts about the boys’ school?” And in my head the question I was really asking was “what’s your why for why I should homeschool them?” And instead of God saying any of those 14 reasons, God said 2 words that changed everything “public school.”

WHAT!? I denied, I wrestled, I got angry, I bargained, I got sad, and then I accepted what God had said. Through tears, and fasting, and confirmation after confirmation I know that I know that I know that Maverick going to public school is what the Lord has planned for this year.

And again, I love it and hate it all at the same time. I’m so excited for what is in store for Maverick. Sometimes I think that God says that option A glorifies me, and option B glorifies me; you choose. And yet, there was a clear choice here, and God made it very clear. This makes me think that God has a very specific purpose for what He has in store with Maverick being at Hayes. And I love that.

And yet, I remember thinking, I’m excited for that moment when I see everything make sense, where I think that “this is why” he had to go to public school. And God simply whispered, Christina, I don’t owe you that. Ugh. You’re right. I hate that.

And what’s more, the Bible doesn’t say “follow me, and I will make everything ok.” God doesn’t say “when you follow me your life will be great and easy.” In fact it says the opposite. “Take heart WHEN you have trials.” “I have overcome this world.”

This year might be really hard for Maverick. This year might be full of bullies, or a hard teacher. This year might show that Maverick is ahead or behind. This year might create hard situations full of struggles. Do I really think that those are going to define this year? No. I don’t even know if I believe that any of those will happen at all. But I hate that it could.

But EVEN IF THEY DO (Daniel 3)…Public school. My list, my reasons, my desires, they are SO LITTLE to what God can see. I see a handful of puzzle pieces at a time; God sees THE WHOLE PUZZLE at the same time. I see what’s right in front of me; God sees what has always been, what is, and what will be. I love Maverick and would die for him; Jesus loves him so much that he already has died for him. I think I know the best way, but God’s ways are better.

God beats me every single time. So when I compare my list to his, it didn’t matter that I had all of the reasons to homeschool; God said public school. He had the trump card, and nothing else mattered.

I know that I can’t say that I serve and submit to an all knowing, all loving, all powerful God, and yet say “I trust you with everything except where my son will go (or not) to school.”

So, I lay Maverick on the altar, at the feet of Jesus, through tear stained eyes, and say not my will, but yours. I don’t understand, but I trust you. I love this and hate this all at the same time, and I know that you’re with me through that too.

So, first day of school…you’ve already taught me and challenged me. You’ve made me feel all of the feelings, often at the same time. You’ve required me to sacrifice my desires. You’ve made me die to dreams I dreamed. You made me accept that I don’t know everything, and that God’s ways are not my ways.

And this is just day one…